Helenodd Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Hi we have all held permanent residency visas for 4 years and need to relocate pre July 2016 to prevent expiry. we have family and friends in area to which our visas are linked ie Melbroune I am in discussions with prospective employers and now all 3 remaining family members are disinterested and don't want to go! Any tips for convincing them including hubby . We know benefits space, quality of life, new adventures elderly family living with us and yet they are all linked in vehement determination they are NOT GoINg . timings are perfect in terms of transition and if we don't use it we lose it sensible strategies v welcome Feeling worn down H Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Sorry but not sure what you want strangers on a forum to say to you really. 3 members of your family don't want to go to Australia, you can't make people move if they don't want to move. A new adventure I agree with, quality of life is an individual thing really, our quality of life was no better over there. If they are as you say vehemently against going I'm not really sure what you can do. Sorry if this is not helpful but often the truth isnt. If it was 1 out of 4 against you might have more chance. Good luck is all I can say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 If they don't want to go, then don't make them. Forcing a move would result in resentment and unhappiness. Quality of life here is no better here than it is in the UK, it's just different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 The thing to remember is just because you have PR and will lose it if you don't use it that doesn't mean you have to go if it isn't what your family want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mazza227 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I don't think forcing them to move will ever work. I had a doubt a couple of months ago, and straight away my husband said if you don't want to go, then we won't. Because if he did try and force me to, and I'm not happy when I'm there, then I would resent him for that. Same as when we are there, if the 4 of us are not happy, then we will come back. (After giving it a fair go though!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) Migrating is an extremely stressful process even when you're all 100% committed to it. If you drag your family with you, every time you hit a setback (and you will), they'll be blaming you and resenting you for forcing them into it. Can you hear it? "I never wanted to come anyway", "Look what you've got us into", "Do you realise how much money you've cost us?" Nagging a family to come with you is a recipe for relationship breakups. I know that sounds dramatic but trust me - no one who's ever been through a divorce thought it could happen to them, me included! Things have changed in Australia - I wouldn't say quality of life is better or worse than the UK, it's just different. An awful lot depends on what kind of lifestyle you lead, where you are in the UK, and what your job is (the economy is in a downturn in Australia and likely to remain so, so career prospects are not as good in Australia as in the UK). Edited August 8, 2015 by Marisawright Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helenodd Posted August 8, 2015 Author Share Posted August 8, 2015 Thanks all..as Bristolman says, too big decisions for strangers on a forum to do anything other than offer advice really without knowing us! Just wondered if anyone had similar experiences and hopefully success stories thanks all will update if any change Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Thanks all..as Bristolman says, too big decisions for strangers on a forum to do anything other than offer advice really without knowing us! Just wondered if anyone had similar experiences and hopefully success stories thanks all will update if any change I just think it is a recipe for possible disaster to be honest, 3/4 of your family DON'T want to go, now this might be incredibly disappointing but you are very much in the minority. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 I have never come across anyone persuading three members of the family to go to Australia against their will and it being a success. It is ok if one person wants it a bit more than the others, but all have to want it. I am wondering how the feelings were at the time you applied for the visa though? Was it also just you that wanted to go then? Or has your OH got cold feet since? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pommie Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Helen What was the thought behind getting the visa in the first place ? Was there a time that everyone wanted to go to Oz or was it you pushing the agenda from the start ? If it was the former, then a honest conversation on what it was you and the family were hoping to get from a new life in Oz a few years ago and what has changed now sounds like a good place to start. Good luck whichever way you decide to go... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 What was the thought behind getting the visa in the first place ? Was there a time that everyone wanted to go to Oz or was it you pushing the agenda from the start ? If it was the former, then a honest conversation on what it was you and the family were hoping to get from a new life in Oz a few years ago and what has changed now sounds like a good place to start. Good luck whichever way you decide to go... +1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 My gut feel is please don't do it, I am assuming some of the family members are children and its the worst possible idea for a couple with children who are not fully United and committed to the move to do it. Very many heart breaking stories on here over the years. The most positive advice I can give is to say go have an adventure - suggest a compromise of going for a year - rent out your house if you have one, take sabbaticals from work if you can and keep school places open if that's relevant. There are no real benefits to living in Australia but who knows with elderly relatives there there could be for you or it might turn out that everyone likes it better and you decide to stay. There would need to be a very clear agreement that you would return after a year if either you or hubby wanted to. If there are children I would get that agreement drawn up by a solicitor to ensure neither of you get trapped by the Hague convention (it might not stand up in court but it would be a reassuring statement of intention for your hubby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimbodia Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) Helen I hope you can find a positive conclusion to your dilemma. Some comments made got me thinking about my own feelings, hope its okay to post..... So many people have said life in Australia is not necessarily better, just different, which is fair comment. My desires for moving to oz include the wish to experience life in a different country (though we hope for it to be a permanent move) and enjoy the warmer climate, both of which are fairly straight forward. I also wish to enjoy a slower pace of life (I feel my life in UK is a constant rush always with so much to do) enjoy the roads with little traffic , less crowded areas in general, enjoy a much more outdoors life ie cycle rides year round, county parks, picnics, all the outdoor things I enjoy in UK that feel so limited due to cool and wet/unreliable weather. Are my hopes realistic or a bit rose tinted???? Edited August 8, 2015 by Kimbodia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 If they don't want to go, they don't want to go. Draw a line and leave it. Emigrating is bloody hard at the best of times but if you are badgered, bullied, guilted or generally coerced into going, that's a sure fire recipe for disaster. Be grateful that your fall back option is another fabulous first world country. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imapla Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Hi I agree it is not better in Aus just different - both are what you make them really. eg I never rode a bike over there as it is generally too hot ! If you're driving into a main city - you will experience traffic jams. Things people in Aus miss - old buildings, heritage, being close to Europe, Things you can't get in the UK - beautiful beaches - beautiful climate - I only know first hand of Queensland - beautiful bright colours. I would live in both countries if I could ! Another thing to consider when making people go against their will is the cost - it is very expensive to do the move and when you look back and see how much you spent you will get a shock - you don't really notice it at the time as you are just working on getting out there. Have you visited as a family ? how about a nice holiday - that might tempt them ? or it might make you see that you possibly have everything you need in the UK? Good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachy Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 We have only just moved. Without the full support of my husband it would have been hugely stressful. There is so much to organize and it costs a fortune! Spending a large chunk of our savings had to be a family decision. Until you make new friends you will be on the other side of the world with only your family unit to rely upon. I cannot imagine doing this without all 4 of us completely on board! In particular I think that the kids need to be ready and willing to make the move. The other posters have made some great suggestions. Think very carefully before you any further and see if there is scope for a compromise. We love Australia but don't think that if you can get them on a plane then they will fall in love with place upon arrival. Relocation is so much more complicated than that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Hiwe have all held permanent residency visas for 4 years and need to relocate pre July 2016 to prevent expiry. we have family and friends in area to which our visas are linked ie Melbroune I am in discussions with prospective employers and now all 3 remaining family members are disinterested and don't want to go! Any tips for convincing them including hubby . We know benefits space, quality of life, new adventures elderly family living with us and yet they are all linked in vehement determination they are NOT GoINg . timings are perfect in terms of transition and if we don't use it we lose it sensible strategies v welcome Feeling worn down H My wife didn't really want to go. We went. Didn't go well. We came back. Now she wants to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 Helen I hope you can find a positive conclusion to your dilemma. Some comments made got me thinking about my own feelings, hope its okay to post..... So many people have said life in Australia is not necessarily better, just different, which is fair comment. My desires for moving to oz include the wish to experience life in a different country (though we hope for it to be a permanent move) and enjoy the warmer climate, both of which are fairly straight forward. I also wish to enjoy a slower pace of life (I feel my life in UK is a constant rush always with so much to do) enjoy the roads with little traffic , less crowded areas in general, enjoy a much more outdoors life ie cycle rides year round, county parks, picnics, all the outdoor things I enjoy in UK that feel so limited due to cool and wet/unreliable weather. Are my hopes realistic or a bit rose tinted???? I think unless you are happy to come alone, then you'll have no chance of coming. Interesting that your hopes for Australian lifestyle are exactly the incentives I have for heading back to the UK. For most who work, life in Australia is city based, high population density (and getting higher due to new building which is high rise), very crowded in the cities (and deserted in the bush!).You end up driving everywhere (often on busy and dangerous roads) due to constraints of distance and/or heat. There are many areas which are laid back, quiet and beautiful but these tend not to be commutable to places of work. Many returnees post about the increased outdoor lifestyle in the UK, despite the rain. Weather here (in Brisbane) is pretty good all year apart from high summer. But I miss the Sussex countryside - and strangely enough when my kids were younger, this was one of the things they missed most. Luckily you are a cheap flight away from lots of European destinations with sunshine. One bonus from living in Oz is that you get to appreciate all the UK offers. Like you I had a real urge to experience life in Australia and am very grateful but try hard not to romanticize it - Australia of today is a very different country even compared to 9 years ago when I moved here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxlornaxx Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 They may resent you if you all go...will you resent them if your made to stay? If they really don't want to go and you talk them into it they won't go with right attitude n it will likely fail. My husband didn't really want to go but I talked him into it...He was negative n miserable despite promising to give it a go...We split for a while..sick of his moaning! (financially/emotionally stressful) n then decided to try sort it out so we came back to UK. ..as soon as we got to UK he said he made a mistake. .wanted us to be in aus again n said being bk made him realize how much better we had it in aus n that he ruined it first time with his attitude....frustrating! We could do that though..mess around n b in stressful situations as we had no kids to worry abt. .sounds like u do? n they need to come first...It would be horrible for you all (worse on kids) if some of you are happy where you are and don't want to risk that. Trial of a year would be good compromise maybe....but still don't think it would work if they are dead set against moving Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srh82 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 As soon as I saw the word 'convincing' I thought no let it go. Resentment breaks families / relationships. Take a holiday there instead.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 We have only just got here but just cannot imagine doing this unless both were at least 90% committed. Our daughter (age 11) has had a few wobbles, unsurprisingly, but if she had one parent reinforcing those wobbles it would be a nightmare. Migrating is a stressful and a couple really should be united I feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 If you haven't made that move in over 4 years I reckon there's a reason for that. I really feel for you because I'd have been completely devastated if my Husband hadn't wanted it as much as me. Kids may not want it especially teenagers but as adults we make the decision but if your Husband isn't interested then there's really not much you can do about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 (edited) I am no longer married so, of course, I am an expert on marriage. Sometimes I wonder do people talk about things to each other?? Coercing people into things they don't want looks very dodgy to me. Stressful times either make or break relationships, difficulties can bring people closer or drive them apart. Ideally big decisions and life choices should be discussed long before people get together and have children, most of us fail to do that fully. I think we don't do that because we don't want to risk finding the truth and be faced considering whether to split. Do people talk though their vision of the future before they make any serious commitments: do they want children, do they want to travel, are their religious or political differences, is is one persons dream to move away....and most importantly do they like dogs.... We often avoid difficult topics because we might get answers we don't want, and people lie to get what they want at the moment. I recall seeing a post here a while back where one partner had promised they would emigrate then reneged on that promise. Now you have children it's no longer about what you and your partner discussed and agreed, the picture has changed. Lets face it it's completely ridiculous to want to make people do things, especially really big things, against their will. Imagine if your partner started to convince you have to have more children and you didn't want that, would you appreciate being convinced. As has been pointed out inviting strangers to comment on such a personal issues, with no real information, is unlikely to be helpful. If this is causing conflict seek professional support and talk it over. If you have seriously differing visions of the future best get it out there and work out the way forward. Edited December 16, 2015 by Marisawright Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosiehome Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Migrating is an extremely stressful process even when you're all 100% committed to it. If you drag your family with you, every time you hit a setback (and you will), they'll be blaming you and resenting you for forcing them into it. Can you hear it? "I never wanted to come anyway", "Look what you've got us into", "Do you realise how much money you've cost us?" Nagging a family to come with you is a recipe for relationship breakups. I know that sounds dramatic but trust me - no one who's ever been through a divorce thought it could happen to them, me included I agree based on personal experience too. I came to Australia as a result of much persuasion by my husband and although I've had some great times here it caused huge strains on our relationship. Now that has ended (which I never would have foreseen back in the UK) and I'm moving back home with one 18 year old who can't wait to get back there and having to leave a 20 year old who wants to stay a little longer. i wouldn't recommend trying to persuade anyone if deep in their heart they don't want to come. Give them a wonderful holiday instead perhaps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flag of convenience Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 The act of emigration can and does create huge strains on relationships. That fact can never be stressed enough. If family members are in anyway delinquent with regards to uprooting present lives to move across the world then I'd certainly abort the mission. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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